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Literature Text
Misty dawn surrounded the lonesome road. Uncultivated fields lied on its two sides as far as the eye could see. Which was quite close in this fog. But if those fields were meadows or swamps, no one could clearly see.
Two girls walked on the empty road, both around 16 years old, though neither of them knew the actual age of the other.
One walked in front, with fiery red, long and ruffled curly hair, with a small backpack on her back. Her steps were light and happy, as if she enjoyed walking those long hours in the middle of nowhere.
Amy at the back however was tired and annoyed. She pulled a heavy and large suitcase after her. She sweated, her feet were hurting in her sneakers, even her knees were stabbing that made her every step painful, but she didn't want to give up following close behind Mary.
Her straight brown hair sticked sweltering to her neck, she was too tired to raise her brown eyes from watching the ground constantly.
Mary glanced behind, her usually cheerful face showed uncertain worry towards the girl. Amy was aware of that glance, she always felt those green eyes seeing right into all her secrets and troubles. This one talent Amy hated a lot. Though she could have listed a few more that she disliked. But she knew, Mary meant no harm. And as she expected, Mary couldn't remain silent for long.
'I can switch with you, you know.'
'No. I will do it.'
'You sure?'
'Sure.'
Mary nodded and turned ahead. Her fist and cheering voice burst into the sky.
'DO YOUR BEST, AMY! WE ARE AAALMOST THERE!'
'How far?' - Amy noticed a whining tone in her own voice. It annoyed her.
'There!' - The red-head girl pointed to an invisible point in the distance.
Amy strained her eyes, but she could only see the fog.
'How far is that?'
'Want to give me that bag?' - and she gave her a naughty smile.
******************************
Hours seemed to come and go, Amy still struggled with the large suitcase, her painful bones and the hateful pool of sweat. She loathed this boringly straight road. Even its patterns did not change, with all its holes and cracks. A very old road with no maintenance for a long while.
No one seemed to live around here. Amy was not surprised about it, the eerie mist and the curiously empty fields did not look like a happy place to live in.
Mary's voice flied up excitedly.
'We are here! Amy, Amy! Isn't it beautiful?'
Amy stared at the three-story mansion, an old, shaky building in such a bad shape Amy could not understand how was it still standing.
She just noticed that she was in a garden. Big trees blocked the view in every direction, messy bushes and weeds all around, even a small and empty fountain slumped there, only a few steps in front of her.
Amy looked around searching for the boring road they walked on just moments ago. She found it behind her, going near the mansion, just outside the gate. Or the rocks that remained of them.
Amy never fancied she will ever be this relieved by seeing that road. She almost thought something impossible happened. As always when she was with Mary.
~ No, impossible things don't happen.~ She thought, mostly to encourage herself.
'When did we come in? I didn't notice...' - she turned towards Mary, but she was gone already. As was the big bag from Amy's side.
Amy quickly looked around, searching for a door nearby. There was one, swung open, a small, carved wooden door, half hidden by creepers and bushes.
Amy sprinted there, stopped by the door and shouted into the dark stairway.
'Mary! Don't go ahead! You are way too fast, you know?'
No answer came. Amy had to go inside. Normally she would think it's a bad idea, wandering alone in a building this old, cracky and frighteningly unstable. But nothing was normal ever since she joined Mary in this journey.
'I'm not afraid.' - she said to herself and stepped into the dark and narrow staircase.
The wooden stairs squeaked and creaked. She hurried towards the door at the top. A loud crack echoed and her foot fell through the floor. Amy fell on one knee, with her other leg dangling under the stair, in a dreadfully uncertain nothingness.
Shaking a little, she clambered out of the hole, crawling on all four to the wall and slowly stood up. Touching the wall it felt like thick dirt covered it instead of wallpaper.
Amy sighed at her own lameness and walked more cautiously.
The door at the top was half open. Amy was quite happy about it, at least it won't fall on her head when she tries to open it.
She slid through the door and found herself in a corridor.
There were windows on the opposite side, and a long line of gorgeously carved doors on her side. Wide open all of them. Mary probably checked them out already.
'Mary? Are you somewhere?'
Something rasped in the distance with a steady rhythm, but otherwise deep silence answered her question.
Amy reached for a window that had its glass completely missing. At least she could see through it to find out how big this mansion was. But she had to get disappointed, she could barely see anything in the fog that started thickening ever since they arrived.
She saw the building taking an U-turn on the left, and she made out the shapes of statues and trees in the inner garden. A pair of cat eyes shined through the leafs of a branch nearby and an other pair watched those from the ground.
Amy liked cats. So much that she could almost forgive the mansion for being creepy and dark. Not to mention the dust and dirt everywhere.
The cat on the ground jumped on the trunk of the tree and started climbing towards the other one. From behind, of course. Otherwise it wouldn't be a fun surprise attack.
Amy also felt something creeping up to her from behind. She sprang around, but she was late, the something caught her arm strongly and gave a loud roaring sound. Amy was sure she was done for. At best she will lose an arm in moments.
Until she recognised Mary in her attacker. Mary released her with a little laugh and announced happily that she got the bath ready.
******************************
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I would be grateful for sincere critiques!
(Genre: mystery-suspense)
This is the first part of the first chapter for a novel. I want to improve my writing skills, so if you decide to critique me, please be as strict as you can!
I want to know about all the weak points and where it gets boring or hard to read. I will be happy if you point these out for me.
I also have a few concerns:
1) Does it start slow? Or do you like this pace?
2) Did I manage to create an atmosphere?
3) Did anything came through about the personalities of the girls?
4) Nothing happened yet... is it boring?
5) Would you want to continue reading it if it was an actual book at your home?
6) Grammar... I have no excuse, I struggle with it. If you find any mistake, please let me know.
(Genre: mystery-suspense)
This is the first part of the first chapter for a novel. I want to improve my writing skills, so if you decide to critique me, please be as strict as you can!
I want to know about all the weak points and where it gets boring or hard to read. I will be happy if you point these out for me.
I also have a few concerns:
1) Does it start slow? Or do you like this pace?
2) Did I manage to create an atmosphere?
3) Did anything came through about the personalities of the girls?
4) Nothing happened yet... is it boring?
5) Would you want to continue reading it if it was an actual book at your home?
6) Grammar... I have no excuse, I struggle with it. If you find any mistake, please let me know.
Comments13
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Hey there! I know you put this up over 2 years ago, but I'm going to critique your piece, anyway. I think the premise and where the opening of the story is going is quite fascinating. There's a lot of potential going on. Did you stop writing the story? I hope not -- that would be a shame. The setting of the house (old and seemingly near condemned) and 2 girls, with no context yet to why they're there, going in is the most interesting point for me so far. And, since I own a kitty and I LOVE cats, that, of course, hooked me, too.
Here's my critique sectioned off into points:
1) A few of your words were misspelled and a few of your verb tenses were inconsistent. Examples:
"Uncultivated fields lied (LAY) on its two sides as far as the eye could see."
"Her straight brown hair sticked (STUCK) sweltering to her neck..."
"Her straight brown hair sticked (STUCK) sweltering to her neck..."
"Amy was quite happy about it, at least it won't (WOULDN'T) fall on her head when she tries (TRIED) to open it."
2) Look out for comma splices. These are when two complete sentences are "separated" by a comma, when a period should be used. Example:
"Her straight brown hair sticked sweltering to her neck, (PERIOD) she was too tired to raise her brown eyes from watching the ground constantly."
There are few other places where this happens, too, in your chapter.
3) When here's multiple, back-to-back dialogue involved, listing who's speaking at least some of the time helps keep clarity for the reader. Example, this "floats" and may be confusing:
'I can switch with you, you know.'
'No. I will do it.'
'You sure?'
'Sure.'
Example of possible revision:
Mary commented, 'I can switch with you, you know.'
'No. I will do it,' Amy responded, grunting a little.
'You sure?'
'Sure.'
4) Dialogue is usually wrapped in double quotes; not single quotes.
You wrote all the dialogue in single quotes. This isn't a massive red flag, but it's proper to use double quotes.
5) Using all uppercase is technically improper for text-based fiction. Same for elongating the spelling of words.
It's a different story if for visuals, like Manga and comics. Example:
'DO YOUR BEST, AMY! WE ARE AAALMOST THERE!'
This type of writing may come across as lazy or amateurish. Questions to ask that may help you reformat could be, why am I using all uppercase and elongating words to emphasize? Can I we-write this and describe the tone, the way the person spoke?
Would a rewriting in some form like this convey the same thing? "Mary shouted almost unbearably loud, her voice droning on the syllables, 'Do you best, Amy! We are almost there!'"
Being able to use descriptors and strong action verbs may be a better way to go, and may actually cause the sentence or paragraph to have more depth and interest for the reader.
6) Using dashes improperly.
You primarily experimented with this in instances of talking under one's breath or thinking, as in:
"'I'm not afraid.' - she said to herself...."
The dash used in this manner is technically improper and I'm quite confused why it's necessary, too. "'I'm not afraid,'" she half-whispered to herself..." conveys the same thing?
7) Revisit the descriptions generally:
I think another user commented basically the same thing. When I was reading this chapter, I also felt like some parts were choppy or were written in a somewhat confusing manner. It was the structure of some sentences, I think. And, I also felt like some things were glossed over too quickly. Overall, I think there is a slight thin and choppy feel. I'd like to see this chapter flushed out, generally, in all the paragraphs, so that each paragraph has a few more sentences to "thicken" the story, generally.
I hope none of that was discouraging! It takes courage to post literature online and much more to request critique. I felt I wanted to give you proper critique since you asked, to take your writing seriously. 